OK so is today pick at franki day??  all day long, in every conversation its franki u R gonna eitherwash off or cover up the sharpie signatures u foolishly & tactlessly had signed on ur chest b y that band last night? u will dress appropriately right? u do know that people live around us right? u do know how to breathe right, right??  then the conversation i heard earlier witrh ed here in the living room & dannielle on the phone!  omg!  i could here how disbelieving she is that im actually looking into vendor booth prices & possible vendors!  i gave ed 2 quotes today & am waiting on 2 more. hell, im still waiting on her re:sponsor requests & responsibilities!!

they told me months ago in long beach to act appropriately.  said even though ed, vini & at the time mike would go beat some guys up to defend my honor, they'd give me helll if they actually had to. ok, fine. ive kept my sex life to within the company & am binding my feelings to my heart.  i will not get hurt in this one sided relationship.  granted, i'd love more of a relationship with vini, but i wonder how much of these feelings are really cuz i wanna give viktor a 2 parent family.  i watch the 2 of them together& i just wanna cry im so happy.

i watch the 2 f them playing kick ball in the yard.  it so fucking easy to slip into the playing house fantasy i've always craved.  viktor deserves nothing les then that.  ive put him through hell in his short life.  i couldnt give that to kody i need to give it to viktor.  im 33 yrs old. its time. right?

ok, so i feel ok rivght now. my back's killing me though.  the barometer has been steadily rising. i wonder if that's causing it?  woke up with a toothache again. this time on top in the back of my left side.  still left side.  stayed up late lsat night playing cranium with everyone.  vinii & i were paired up & we kicked ass!  appparently ed thinks im some kinda savant cuz i can spell.  i impressed melissa by spelling asparagus backwards.  funny. i can spell. everyone should be able to spell damn it. but that a whole other blog! lol

so anyway. i feel ok in my head today.  i need to count the days out for my period though & just track how i feel every day.  maybe... maybe... maybe this'll shed some light in the dark room....

we'll see.............

I felt ok today. still no apetite till late in the evening. 2nd night im making note of pigging out after midnight yet no apetite all day.

had maybe 4 shots of jim beam i 4 heavy buttercock teas.

talked to both ed &danny seperate. still havve job. yay. still in some trouble. no jmore chances. booo

HOw I Feel

Ok, so i realized that i feel kinda paranoid in a way all the time. i feel like i'm in trouble with my friends. that if people are talking quietly near me i always think they're talking about me. i don't know if this is because i have self confidence issues or because there's just something wrong with my head. is this true paranoia? i wonder sometimes what is wrong with me.

ifeel so often that i may not have multiple personalties, but i can compartmentalize everything so well.  sometimes i feel like noothing fazes me.  why?

 i mean i dont feel dead inside. just empty most of the time.  hollow.

vini says stuff to me & i just dont get it. i hear what he says & i just dont understand what he says.  but melissa gives me tasks sto do, i accomplish them with no real problem.  im there & in the moment.  then sometimes i just drift in my head & i lose the thread of conversation. i get it back usually, but not always.  and its the ssame with how i communicate with them.  i can picture exactly what i want to convey, but when i speak, it comes out confused & convoluted.  i used to be so much more eloquent than i am now.  what happened?

can i figure it ou?