ok, so i feel ok rivght now. my back's killing me though.  the barometer has been steadily rising. i wonder if that's causing it?  woke up with a toothache again. this time on top in the back of my left side.  still left side.  stayed up late lsat night playing cranium with everyone.  vinii & i were paired up & we kicked ass!  appparently ed thinks im some kinda savant cuz i can spell.  i impressed melissa by spelling asparagus backwards.  funny. i can spell. everyone should be able to spell damn it. but that a whole other blog! lol

so anyway. i feel ok in my head today.  i need to count the days out for my period though & just track how i feel every day.  maybe... maybe... maybe this'll shed some light in the dark room....

we'll see.............

I felt ok today. still no apetite till late in the evening. 2nd night im making note of pigging out after midnight yet no apetite all day.

had maybe 4 shots of jim beam i 4 heavy buttercock teas.

talked to both ed &danny seperate. still havve job. yay. still in some trouble. no jmore chances. booo

HOw I Feel

Ok, so i realized that i feel kinda paranoid in a way all the time. i feel like i'm in trouble with my friends. that if people are talking quietly near me i always think they're talking about me. i don't know if this is because i have self confidence issues or because there's just something wrong with my head. is this true paranoia? i wonder sometimes what is wrong with me.

ifeel so often that i may not have multiple personalties, but i can compartmentalize everything so well.  sometimes i feel like noothing fazes me.  why?

 i mean i dont feel dead inside. just empty most of the time.  hollow.

vini says stuff to me & i just dont get it. i hear what he says & i just dont understand what he says.  but melissa gives me tasks sto do, i accomplish them with no real problem.  im there & in the moment.  then sometimes i just drift in my head & i lose the thread of conversation. i get it back usually, but not always.  and its the ssame with how i communicate with them.  i can picture exactly what i want to convey, but when i speak, it comes out confused & convoluted.  i used to be so much more eloquent than i am now.  what happened?

can i figure it ou?